Failed Attempt

I tried

That I can say with the utmost

Certainty

And you

You did nothing but leave

No words

No love

Why did I squander my affections

On something

So useless?

The clouds always part to show

The sunshine

Beauty and warmth

But your cold disdain

Leaves me

Always lamenting

No matter how ardent

The sun’s rays

I still feel a chill

I still hope

Wishing is absurd

My furtive whispers

Still travel across the skies

Unheard

For I am mute in my pain

And you oblivious

There was never a we

Only you and I

And my facetious belief

In love

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These Tears

These tears

They make me angry

Make me want to give myself a lecture

About the uselessness of sorrow

Tell myself that this saltiness

Only tastes good on fried foods

And popcorn

My tears make me feel weak

They make me wish for invincibility

They make me wish for you

That desire makes me furious

I want to shake myself

Tell myself I am being ridiculous

But instead I let them fall

And watch them collect on my lap

On my cheeks

In my heart

These tears

They shall be the death of this pain

Or at least I can wish for that

As I cry

Like a child without his favorite blanket

Or a clown without his smile

These tears will make me strong

Or at least that is what I tell myself

As I cry and wish

For sleep

Erroneous

Obviously your errant belief that I have some semblance of affection

Has made you a fool

Your narcissistic face turns to those who bombard you with words

Those sounds that emanate from the vocal cords

Of people who you assume care

Your countenance brightens at the thought of admiration

A cunning smile curves your lips

As you exult in approbation

Perhaps you should look behind you at the specter hovering

The one you don’t recognize as me

Dark and quiet and diminutive

For as you laze in the spotlight of your imagined grandeur

I shall slip closer with my dark animosity

And I shall snuff your light

I shall be your murky night abundant with amorphous clouds of memories

Of the time you assumed

You were adored

I shall fill your sunshine with rotten nightmares full of torture

Frighten you with the thought

That perhaps you were wrong

This assumption that I would always love your exaggerated sense of self

This postulation that my heart was yours

As you twist and turn in the impenetrable vision

Desirous of a glimpse of the beauty you once held when you had me

Only then will you see

You are alone

You will not be left with the residual ghost of me

Just a hint of my perfume

A memory of my soft skin

And an endless desire

For that which

You can never possess again

Surgery

I shall perform this surgery, this cutting, this excising of something unwanted

I will wield the scalpel

The cuts will be detailed, careful, beautiful in the way they cause blood to well

I am your surgeon

This work will be performed with precision, sweat on my brow, eyes sharply focused

I will not make a mistake

This tumor will be removed, placed in a pan, red under the bright lights

I am proud of my art

This stitch will run smoothly, closing up your wound, sealing it tightly

I see it will leave barely a scar

This is how you shall awake, alone, cold, naked, shivering on stainless steel

Realizing that now there is nothing

Where your heart used to be

This will be when you cry, beg for me to put it back in, pray for its return

I have done my job well

Unfortunately I cannot repair what I see as

Perfection

 

See

We reach constantly, yearn for that we cannot have.  We attempt to grab that pie in the sky and shove it in our mouth quickly so as not to lose even a small taste.  We are always wishing.  We are always hoping.  We do not see in our continual quest for something more that we are losing.  We miss the little things.  We do not see the sunset or the sunrise.  We do not smell the rain after a summer shower.  We do not notice the smile we receive without asking.  We are those who will forever be sorrowful at our lot in life.  We will sit alone in our respective rooms and cry at the aspiration for that which we cannot quite attain.   All because we cannot behold what passes us daily.  We are blind in our sorrow.  Ah, to be able to once again see.  If we could only open our eyes.

Our Song

You say it is our song

The strains reach my ear

I close my eyes

I feel your music

It reaches that part of me

I have long forgotten

That part I hide from those

Who have tried to dive

Inside me

I feel your breath in my ear

As you whisper the words

My soul longs to devour

I cry a little as I push you

Far away from me

For even though your melody

Pleases me so

I do not want this ballad

To penetrate that part of me

That renders me insane

Peanut Butter

When you fell out of the tree

I laughed

Not caring that you had broken

Your ankle

Or that you forehead was cut

I laughed because your pain

Made me feel better

Your grimace made me realize

I am whole

I am not broken

I am not bleeding

I rejoice in your injury

I shall skip home

And eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

With no crusts

While I cut out paper dolls

I will not think of you

Nor will I tell my mother

That you need help

I hope you cry

You are not my friend

You never loved me

I will look out the window

And dream of summer nights

Games of kick the can

Even as I sit here this evening

An adult with wrinkles

And messy hair

Realizing that my fantasy

Of happy childhood

And some sort of twisted revenge

Will help me sleep

A smile on my face

If only for tonight

And in my dreams

You will fall again

 

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