Abyss

You are a speck in the distance

I will you closer so I can view my enemy

You were thrust into my eyesight with little thought

I ridiculously believed in the construct of us

I try to define your borders in the dwindling light

You could be an angel as easily as a demon

I scrabble for purchase as I slide down this embankment

Terrified of being swallowed into

The abyss that is you

Looking

You made me whole again and savage

Drowning in your mouth while I tried to breathe

We were unassailable in our belief

Thought our love immortal and flawless

The end came surreptitiously and with force

My anguish clouded all pretense of repair

You left without notice in the night

As I slept like an unaware child

There will always be a version of me

Raw and open when I think of us

Part of me will always be looking for you

In the dark bar, the coffee shop

Around the corner of my end days

Grey haired and wrinkled, waiting

Searching

For you

Poison

Drink me. The note was inconspicuous

I tasted the remnant of you

My tongue was not certain of familiarity

I wiped my mouth and glanced furtively

The room was full of versions of you and I

I cried into an empty goblet

Of pride and caresses

You grinned malevolently

As I scrabbled for purchase

In this destination of what we were

While I kissed that chasm that

Was us

 

Burden

The weight of your love

Is overwhelming and thick

I have tried to carry you

A rucksack full of pieces

Of what was once whole

I stumble and fall to

My bruised knees

I’m crying a fools tears

As I try to extricate myself

From you

Masculine

I was broken

You were undamaged

We took in air

With difficulty

Your smell was faint

My grip was strong

We fell in tandem

With ease

I tasted your neck

Your myocardial thump

We cried alone

In the twilight

You

Me

We

I

Alone loved your existence

In this moment

 

Gravity

I would weigh heavy on strong men,

I would make everything ponderous,

I would make falling death,

I would prevent destruction,

I would make travelling to space a necessity,

I would make this grounded,

I would make you feel cumbersome,

I would crush everything,

I would make his fall catastrophic,

By existing

Message

Words mean nothing when uttered

Via an internet of empty knowledge and you

I reached across the chasm hoping to touch

A remnant of what is left of your skin

I clutch a handful of empty dreams and night

As an echo slides across my skin

Reminding me that there is only your version

Of this

And my version

Of you

 

No

The kiss was unwarranted

The slap was expected

The sex was intoxicating

The breakup was epic

The heart that was broken

It was mine

Hold

Cupping it so close I cry

Her fingers remind me of honey

Liquid golden strands of sweetness

Tastes like candy she whispers

Her eyes are pools of dark secret

Her sly smile is quite painful

As I try to extricate my hold on her jugular

Strain

Pathogen is the description I found

In the tattered dictionary below a picture of putrid flesh

He laughed at my inability to spell

As I attempted to clean the graffiti

Covering my face and part of my chest

Pushing me away when I tried to touch

The remnant of what was left

Of our love letter framed on the wall

Of the inner chamber of my heart

No

I attempt to purchase this dream

Offer my soiled bills for your gaze

I am not given change and the cashier

Looks at me in disdain as she takes my payment

I duck my head so as not to make eye contact

As I move down the hall

The room I enter is nondescript and quiet

I sit in the lone chair and play with an errant curl

You enter and smile at me slyly as you shut the door

I smell the mix of cigarettes and nondescript cologne

As you move closer

Your eyes meet mine and you look lost for a moment

Before your gaze moves to my mouth

Your hand touches my cheek and you move closer

Our proximity makes me breathless

You lean close and ask me if I need anything

I feel weak when I whisper “You”

Your mouth on mine feels enveloping

And I say your name into an empty room

Sigh

I was not able to capture

The piece of you I coveted

You shimmered in the distance with a guileful smile

Your nonchalant air made me feel safe

When I cast my yearning into your ears

You pushed me away just far enough

That I felt dizzy and afraid of the loss

And then you pulled me back to kiss my neck

While you whispered in my ear

That my desire was too enveloping

For your rasputin soul to accept

I trembled in anticipation of your touch

And heard you sigh

For You

We are but a fantasy

A charade of desire and wet dreams

I created this world

The one only you and I endure in

It is laced with salacity

And the imagined taste of you

I lay my head on my pillow

Attempting to sleep to sojourn

To where we remain alone free of encumbrance

That place where your kisses are unrecompensed

The corner where I can have you inside me

Without guilt or thought of betrayal

I drift off but awake violently

To you gazing at me as you slide inside

This version of me that exists

Only for you

The Game

It’s only a game she whispered

As I sat shivering on her back porch

The sky dappled with stars

My heart still carrying a perpetual torch

Her breath smelled of mint

Her skin was smooth and slightly damp

I trembled when she turned and brushed against me

Leaving her undeniable stamp

I tried to run away but only reached her gate

She was there waiting with a smile

I sighed and reached out to touch her

She laughed and said stay a while

I suddenly became frightened and felt a bit lost

She took my hand and led me inside

Up the stairs to her room in the attic

I remembered the last time when I had laid in her bed and cried

The door shut behind us and all was ablaze

I couldn’t see anything but her outline in the heat

My intake of air resounded in the small room

I realized it was her game and I had been beat

I acquiesced to her gentle kisses

Not realizing the pain I felt when she wrapped around me

I began to comprehend that this was the end

She told me to sleep and I knew I was finally free

You

You did not fathom

My existence

You laughed at my wonder

Made an attempt to apprehend me

With an insolent eye

My intake of air

Did not deter

Your attempt to decieve

My silly need

For you

And that which

Lays outside my

Infintismal reach

 

 

 

 

Tainted

Our love it was corrupted

From the first kiss

I believed us divine

Otherworldly and blessed

The follies of inscience

I invoked complete adoration

Like a simple woman with no thought

Unknowingly tempting fortune

For you were not that

The one who would encompass me

In the folds of adoration

You were existing only for pleasure

And my belief in more

Exhausting me and rendering me

Ineffectual and insipid

Like a child begging for love

Asking for the arms that never existed

So I fly away to that place

Where I leave my irrational desires

I projected your way

So I can shed my need for something abysmal

And acquiesce to a lesser existence

Where you do not know me and

I am not myself

Yet you feel I belong to you

Never knowing the authentic me

Has been lost in my desire

For more

 

Us

How did the world exist

Before you

Before your lips touched mine

Before our hearts intertwined

Forming one

It beats in tandem and sometimes

Stops

When we are too far apart

Wanting to be closer

Needing us to touch so

It can resume its rhythm

That cadence that is our song

It plays in my soul

That part of me who has always

Known you

We have been in love for millenniums

In other lives we met

Sometimes taking longer to

Remember our love

But then that spark, that touch

That anamnesis

And I look in your eyes and

Apperceive you

My kindred spirit

My one true love

My soul mate

And I am finally

Home

 

 

 

 

Map

The weary traveler

Came to me cotton-mouthed and hungered

Asking for the map

I gave him sustenance

Nothing more

He asked me to reconsider

Pleaded his case

Said he needed the diagram

To get to his destination

I hesitated knowing

He knew not what he was seeking

Yet his eyes, the beseeching gleam

I could not resist

And I produced the coveted sketch

His fingers clutched it longingly

Making me feel at the moment

I had chosen befittingly

He left to continue on his quest

I decorously felt noble on his leave

And continued about my daily routine

Only to have the fowl who delivers word

Drop the memoir of his voyages

Which contained his confession

Of the loss of that which he sought

His destination was never realized

He was lost along the way

When he failed to note

All the road signs

I had left

Silly wayfarer

Even more ludicrous

Me

Artificial

Knees

Hips

Breasts

Splenda

AstroTurf

Nail extensions

Perfume

Spray on tan

Plastic plants

Mocha Mix

Your heart

Despite — Scribblings of a Mad Mind

I break and fail, my heart shrinking under the pressure. I am shredded with no rest to rebuild. Yet, I want more, not for the pain, but for the after. For the eventual growth that will occur from the many shavings that I am reduced to. I cannot wait until my being has reached a […]

via Despite — Scribblings of a Mad Mind

Violent

This savage feeling for you

Homicidal

Murderous

Passionate

Uncontrollable

Desperate

Disturbed

Riotous

Driving me mad

Making me incoherent

This thing I feel

This is violent

Perhaps

You would perhaps think that I am someone who you can learn from.  That I know things others do not.  That I am the bearer of some knowledge in an ancient urn that only I can open.

I am not.

Perhaps I will recite a parable to teach you right from wrong.  You may sit in rapt attention with your face turned up towards the sky.  The sun might dapple your skin in a myriad of light that hurts me to look at.

Or I won’t.

You would perhaps dream that I love you.  That my body entwines with yours when no one is looking.  That I will stare into your eyes and say I am yours.  That my sighs will contain only your name.

They will not.

Perhaps I will hurt you.  Wound you with my sadistic words.  Eloquently break you with my prose as you lament the pain.  Smile slyly when your tears fall on my pillow as you lay on my bed.

I will.

So perhaps you should run.  Find a place to hide that does not fall within my sights.  Sleep with a gun in your hand and one eye open.  Research ways to kill without being caught.  Decide how I will die.

You should.

Perhaps this will be futile.  Your efforts to escape my clutches will be ineffective.  Your heart will betray you as it floats into my greedy hands.  You will not notice until much too late that I am the one who possesses you.

Perhaps.

Doubt

Your words

Your pledges

They do not alter

My reality

I am God

I am omnipotent

I frolic in your

Ignorance

I know you

Yet

You do not

Know

Me

Need

That moment when you breathe

Your intake of air I can hear

Our eyes meet

Our fingertips touch imperceptibly

I feel your fervor

We move through the crowd

Eyes meeting at intervals and

 With the beat of my

Lascivious heart

Alone in a corner touching my face

You whisper I am the death of you

Your hand on my waist sliding lower

Your fingers touching that spot

Only we know

I cannot remember a time

I did not crave this

You

Me

And the cavernous want

That has rendered me

Useless

Hungry

Yours

No

It is not

Acceptable

So stop

No words

No feelings

Just a kiss

A brush of lips

A sigh

And my declaration

Of adoration

And love

And your sigh

As I drift

Into the sultry night

 

Taboo

Forbidden and disproved

That is what the google search says

About us

Disapproved, unmentionable, prohibited

Are we unthinkable?

I shall close my eyes

Ignore the words

Only feel

When we finally touch I shall know

Appreciate, comprehend, perceive

You

If only for a breath

A moment

That crack in eternity

When you feel

Me

 

 

 

Chat

Vocabulary typed in small boxes

Linked to one another via emoticons

Small thoughts somehow connected

Representing who we are

Or who we wish to be

I shall chatter to you

Inanely hoping for recognition

For you to perceive that part of me

That yearns for your apperception

Your acknowledgment of clandestine ideations

I formulate in the eleventh hour of my fortuitous dreams

Of you and I

In palpable actuality

Touching our fingertips

Your lips

On my lonely cheek

My sighs escaping into this quiet landscape

Slowly I have come to rest

In that place between here and there

Where I sit in my rowboat under the stars

Watching the waves of you dissipate

As I wish for more

 

 

 

Foreign

These word of imprudence

That assault my sentient heart

It cannot fathom your antipodal sounds

Emanating slowly in an exquisite shower

Into my fathomless observation

Rendering me useless and diminutive

Changing me, a metamorphosis

An affliction not carried by anyone

Except the version of me

Who invariably acquiesces

To your adversarial articulation

Of these foreign words

 

 

 

 

Promise

Your word

Your asseverations

Things you say construe

Your profession of

You

Your bequest to those

Who are not me

For when you offer me

Your declarations

Of assurance and delectation

These vowels and consonants

Fall from your delusive lips

Like rain on a stormy day

Into my fatuous ear

Only to be disproved

When I realize my witless

Belief

Truth

Words are but letters

Laced together to form sentences

To communicate your deceptions

Those possessions you deem

To be your certainty

Creeping in for my consideration

Playing on my gullible intellect

The one that has led me astray

In so many scenarios

Leaving me emotionally penniless

Begging on corners for a pittance

Crying in the rain with no umbrella

Cold and abandoned

Shivering under the onslaught of your

Never ending deluge of dishonesty

Wondering how it could be

That I with all my intellect

Can be so easily fooled

By your fraudulent smile

And the erroneous being

That is you

Talking

I can say what I like

I can open this treacherous mouth

I can utter whatever soliloquy I fabricate

From my arsenal of gibberish

I do not have any presentiment

That any shall listen

Nor do I care

I prefer my diatribes

Are only noticed when

Nothing good is on TV

Slink

She undulates through the thicket

Thorny brush ripping minuscule rivets

On her shiny skin

Her forked tongue flicks out to taste

Left behind residual pains

Small tokens of forfeited ache

She contorts her lithe body

Into deranged configurations

A demarcation begging entrance

An elucidation of melancholy

Curling around the ankle

Of a wretched soul

Meandering up a tortuous path

Searching for admission

Yearning for even a small piece

Of you

Addict

An addict
The world cannot see this furious need
It finds me in the middle of the day
Renders me useless
Makes me want to find
Isolated alleys and abandoned bathrooms
So I can roll up my sleeve
Tighten the tourniquet
Feel the needle against my skin
Only when I feel that rush can I show the public
Some semblance of my sober face
This drug it is insidious
It crept up on me
I was unsuspecting
I didn’t know
Even though I feel it is wrong I do not want to quit
It exalts me
Makes me feel omnipotent
Superior
So I shall hide again
Tap my vein
Prepare my concoction
I devise a stratagem for us to meet
Our lips shall touch again
I shall feel the rush
The surge of emotion
My hovering heart above every other need
You are my drug
My chosen poison
The dope that has wrought this change
From rational to senseless
Unable to function without another
Fix

Deception

Strange
That is what they would say
They would scowl at us
Their disaproval apparent
On the spurious faces
They submit for our perusal
Laugh
That is what I would do
As I kiss you with abandon
In crowded rooms
And public venues surrounded by affectations
Those who would cast the first stone
Smile
That is what you would do
As you cup my chin in your beautiful hand
And tell me enchanting tales
To assuage my worry
And unfurrow my silly brow
Love
That is what we would have
And our adoration would spill over
Make others uncomfortable in the presence
Of such intense need
Radiant devotion they have never known

And most likely
Never will

Sigh

I have lost this
Ability to breathe
I cannot fathom a time
Before you
The aforementioned capacity
To accomplish inhalation
Gone
Because of your smile
Your smell
Your words
You

Fruit

Peel me
Like a banana
An orange
A kiwi
Some multi-colored fruit
My skin is tough
It may be sour if your
Tongue flicks out to taste me
But underneath
That is where my sweetness hides
Even as I ask for the kindness
Of your gentle fingers
Tugging at my tightly woven sheath
I envisage this attempt to expose
Will be nothing but a serrated knife
Cutting deep inside me
For you have no patience
And you are greedy

Instrument

This musician, he has many claims
His fingers promise he recognizes my instrument
Perhaps he knows my heart is a violin, although out of tune
It can still emit a euphony of sorrow
If his bow is strong enough to thrust across my rusty strings
Or can he see my stomach is a cello?
That if he holds me between his knees
And attempts double stops on my flesh while I smother a giggle
He may just fashion a masterpiece
Does he perceive that my ribs are a piano?
Meant to play a concerto of lament when I am distracted by the salmon sunset
He asserts that if I just submit
He shall compose a symphony
Full of my remorse and discarded love
I duck my head in acquiescence
Knowing full well that his attempts at perfection
Will be thwarted by my never-ending
Inability to be in tune

TH

It was this
It was that
It was those
It was things
It was there
It was thrills
It was throbs
It was more than
It was thankful
It was thoughtful
It was theoretic
It was theatrical
It was thirsty
It was thawed
It was thwarted
It was thievery
It was threadbare
It was threats
It was thrown
It was through
It was then
And I am alone

Crayolas

She colors a picture with her worn crayons
Using cerulean for the sky
Mountain meadow for the grass
It undulates under the press of her hand
This depiction of another place
One where she is noticed
That other dwelling where the mother
She is smiling and beckons
Allows her to crawl up on her enveloping lap
And sings the praises of her creations
Then sends her to her room with cookies
And a warm glass of milk
The mountains here are burnt sienna
As the sun hits them with
A temperate warmth
The water that laps at their edge
Is caribbean green
And the fish are teal blue
This pastel scene makes her sigh
This illusion it makes her unbearably happy
To finish this work of art
Brings melancholy
For she knows that with the completion
She will again be left with this
A colorless world
Where the crayons are normal
Plain old blue, green, orange, and brown
And devoid of the complexion
Of her trusty box of
Crayolas

To See

The day I experimented with the ability to see
It was like any other
The hands of the clock moved ever forward
Proving time was slipping
I removed the glasses I was told I needed
I rubbed my eyes in irritation
Closed them for a bit to entertain the idea
That upon opening it would happen
It did not
This attempt to view the world uncluttered
To look about with abandon
This was only a miscarriage of endeavors
To exist as more than a moment
No longer a sum of the parts that make up
That which I deemed the now
I encountered a temporal plane of despair
Baggage left behind by others
Half packed luggage full of sorrow and tears
It is ill-advised to fold anything
These garments that cover others with guilt
They look tattered and ancient
I can easily discern the authenticity
Of these banal sneakers
If I were to don them and attempt to run
I am sure I would fall
Scraping my hands on the jagged pieces
Of my broken heart
My attempt to see was futile, trite
I have resolved the terminal legitimacy
It is consummately better to be blind
Than to see

Snow

This alabaster scape blinds me
Renders my eyes ineffectual
My pace is sluggish as the icy flurry
It encompasses my being and creates a reality where there is only me
And the clamor of my ruminations
This ideation of amorous passions leaving a memorialized view of what was
And a taste of bitter contrition in this mouth that once uttered discourses
That this fatuous woman conceived to be truth
This wintry world
It numbs me
And congeals your name on my lips
So that it is able to tumble to the ground where it is camouflaged by the snow
Lost to me
And I do not recall how it used to sound when I whispered it in your ear
I cry glacial tears
As I endeavor to make a snow angel
Knowing that this frozen terrain will soon soothe me to sleep
Where I wish with all my might
That I shall not dream

Force

The force of you
It rendered me useless
Incapacitated and wondering
If your puissance was indeed you
Or some otherworldly malaise
Infecting my bloodstream
With your malevolent contagion
I shall attempt to inoculate my veins
Replace your corruption with luminosity
This needle will pierce my skin
The plunger pushed vehemently
It will leave a bruise
To remind me of your gift
Of necrotic affection

Typing

Keyboard strokes sound like rain
This endless typing
It taxes me
Attempts for my fingertips
To sing out my whimsical narrative
The bend of my wrists ensuring me
That I am fabricating another cosmos
An ethereal creation where beauty…
Ah god this beauty!
It makes your eyes cloud with tears
And your heart fill with wonder
As you reach to touch the gossamer wings
Of the fairies that flit about
Your tiffany breaths
I pause to rest and am filled with remorse
To realize that to stop means this world
It dissipates quickly when my keystokes cease
I furiously begin to type again
Only to find the futility
Of attempting to bring into being
That which does not exist

Mirror

This mirror is full of another
A lonely reflection
A girl with dreams and youth
Someone who had hope
Who aspires to be someone else
Curling her hair anticipating change
Only to raise her eyes to see this
The version of me who imagines
Delusions of an existence of bliss
She shall change her appearance
Perhaps cut an errant curl
Use a different shade of eyeliner
Brush on her blush with a bold stroke
Turn her back on that silly girl
Attempting to run to another reality
The one where she is strong
A heroine in flowing black
Her sword cutting a sliver of hate
Into the hearts of those who dare
To attempt to touch her heart
She looks up to see
She is still me
And she utters a curse under her breath
To all those who cannot see

Time

If time folded at my supplication

You should be an envelope full of words of yearning

The discourse of your salacity for my flesh in your hands

I will dispatch into the universe

Hoping a worm hole will devour and spit you out

Forming a new macrocosm where I am God

And you but a canker

An affliction that begs destruction

I shall smite you

You shall cower covered in the dialect

You once knew as your own

Only to see armies rise up

To destroy your misrepresentation

There will be no cross for you

You are no savior

You are but a blemish

Upon any world

You choose to inhabit

Your beseeching to me

Your god

Will go unheard

As I move onto another

More interesting endeavor

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 800 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 13 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Wooden

My love is made of sticks

Placed in careful succession

Joints fragile because of the diminutive size

I invented this amorous beau

To fulfill my irrational longing

He moves like an old man

Achingly reaching for my hand

I smile furtively with my malevolent mouth

Ducking my head in feigned innocence

When he tries to kiss me

My wooden love

He knows not what he has stumbled upon

As he gazes into my wicked eyes with devotion

I don’t look as I crush his ligneous bones

I hear not his cries of torment

I will be the one to offer my comfort

In the form of glue and soft words

And he will worship me as his savior

As I prepare to destroy him again

Queue

I do not notice

My number is up

“99” he calls

In his monotone voice

I look up to see 100

Has passed me

Perhaps my ignorance

Of my turn

Has rendered me

An idiotic member

Of the society

Of those left behind

I shall request a turn

And I shall wait

Breathless

Unless I fall asleep

Damn narcolepsy

Ship

The ship beckons me

As does it’s captain

I have not been on the ocean in years

I may get seasick

He waves to me from the bow

Sunburnt and weathered

His smile a crevice in his face

That is there even when he frowns

I hesitate at the gangplank

Afraid it looks old, susceptible to breaks

Perhaps my journey will be over before

I even board the vessel

I look up at her sails

Something foreign in this world of engines

And gas power

I remember the magnificence of wind

The power it has to move and shape

Take you somewhere you haven’t been

Or perhaps a place you remember

From some childhood wish

On the blankets of your mothers bed

While wishing for faeries and princes

And magic

As I place my foot on the deck I see

The sun is not on my face

It is on my back, burning it’s heat into

My empty soul

I try to turn to escape this ship

To run back to shore

And realize we are out to sea

My momentary lapse of thought

Was much more than that

The shore no longer visible

I am lost at sea

With this captain I do not know

And me

 

I Do Not

To answer your query

I do not believe in love

The years have shown me it is but an idea

A poem, a song, a painting

A caricature of  that we all wish for

Something not real

I can weave you a web of words

Designed to make you feel

You may presume this emotion love

But I will tell you

It is not genuine

A release of endorphins

An intake of breath

A dream you have as a child

A fairy tale

For I can say with certainty

That every time you conceive it true

You shall find yourself at some point in time

Remembering that feeling, yearning for it

As you look at your lover

Seeing the true light play on their face

Their absolute reality

Love?

A beautiful dream

But nothing more